I am convinced the following story would make an excellent LDS film script.  Preferably by the ever popular Halstorm Entertainment.  Some Mock-u-mentory that chronicles one Stake’s journey into the drama and competition of the phenomenon known only to us as “The Road Show”. 

For my non LDS family and friends let me offer a small explanation.  Across the church there exists some deeply routed traditions.  Among those are that of Church Basketball – a tournament which rivals high school basketball in some areas, “The Play” – a once every three years event which places high school thespians who are now adults on a stage to act out their dreams of being a star.  The Play is a monumental event which drives husbands insane, leaves laundry undone, and the children happy (because they will be eating McDonald’s for dinner for the next 2 months while Mom is at play practice).  There is a reason why this tradition is only held once every three years.  And finally there is the Road Show.  Each Ward is asked to prepare a 5-7 minute play, usually containing song, comedy, dance, and a little romance.  These plays are presented back to back on one night and then judged.  The winner is then crowned “Best in Show”.

Now in our stake the “Best in Show” award has gone to the Louisville 3rd ward for as long as there has been a Louisville third ward.  And if you ask anyone in the stake, the competition is rigged.  However we persevere (once every three years) creating bad comedy that only turns into comic genius when the unspeakable happens.  For instance this year when one ward dragged Sleeping Beauty off stage while she pretended to sleep on a blanket only to accidentally run her straight into the wall…WHACK…now that’s comedy.  Or another Ward who’s play was entitled “Snow White and the Seven Dwarf’s +5; where the plus five ended up being the actor/parents toddlers, whom I assumed they thought would steal the show with their cuteness, but instead stole the show with their antics!  Not a scene went by when some 2 or 3 year old wasn’t attacking a microphone, popping in and out of the back curtains or aimlessly wondering about the stage being chased by a parent who was trying to drag them off stage.  Now that was a classic. 

This year our Stake decided to do things a little differently.  Instead of a group of 20 + people devoting all of their evenings for the next month to sculpting a poorly written and performed 7 minute performance.  Each ward was given just a day.  Thats right “A Road Show in a Day”.  Who’d have thought of such a thing!  It was brilliant!  The ward “directors” were given their theme and props on Friday night at 8pm.  Then they had from that time until the following day at 7:30pm to write, direct, and produce an award winning performance.  The theme this year was fairy tales (With an LDS Twist).

Kinsey and Sydney were both old enough to join the cast of our Crestwood First Ward.  They were thrilled.  They started their day at 9:30 am on Saturday at the chapel where they and the rest of the all “youth” cast practiced, memorized lines, ate pizza, danced, and auditioned for solos.  The title of their production was: Scotty White and the Seven Dates.  Scotty, a return missionary, has just returned home from his mission were he is welcomed back into the arms of his loving family.  But Scotty is left with an important task impressed upon him by his father.  Now that he is home its time for find a wife.  He caught a glimpse of a girl/princess in the airport that catches his but alas she was gone before he could introduce himself.  Scotty has a magic mirror that encourages him to go to the mall in search of his fair bride.  At the mall Scotty meets 7…interesting…options.  Girls who went by the names of: Eager, Wild Thing, Too Smart, Emotional , Young, Material Girl, and Heart breaker.  Obviously none of these girls would do for RM Scotty.  So he returns again to his magic mirror and asks where he can find his true love.  [Enter girl from the airport] Scotty is struck with love at first sight and proposes on the spot!  The girl/princess answers “This isn’t the Singles Ward!” then she pauses and continues, “But I am free next week.”  The two walk off into the sunset (er…stage left} together.  The end.

Totally cute concept.  I get a call at 12:00 that afternoon telling me that Kinsey, OUR KINSEY, has landed the lead!  She will be cast as the girl/princess of Scotty’s dreams. 

My response of course was, “OME KINSEY!  I am so proud of you!” 

 Which was much different then Todd’s response, which was, “Who’s Scotty?”

The part included a lovely solo for Kinsey to start the show off with.  I wished her luck and Todd said, “No touching.” The finished practicing for the day and we all met back at the Stake center for a final run through and show time at 7:30.

The girls were off with the cast preparing, and Todd, myself and Tatie took our seats out in the audience awaiting showtime.  What happened next is a script that could be the next great piece of LDS cinema.

So we are at the Roadshow and the acts thus far were…BAD to say the least.  And it was time for our Ward to go.  I moved up to the front row to get good pictures.  Kinsey comes out looking completely adorable and sings such a pretty solo to open the mini play and disappears off stage.  Then comes out a larger group of girls singing and dancing.  Sydney was part of this group.  They then knelt down looking up at one girl who sang a solo line.  It was at this moment that Sydney stood up and left the stage.  I continued watching, it was awesomeness personified.  The best one of the night, mostly because our group actually used the microphones unlike everyone else.  Its all about being able to HEAR what you are saying!  So I am snapping pictures, 5 pictures in, my camera says “card full” So I pop open the card holder and lo and behold…no CARD!  UGH!  I forgot the card in the computer!  So I only got 5 shots! 

So then the show is over, Kinsey and Chris(aka Scotty – the lead male role) walk off stage holding hands (much to Todd irritation because he clearly said “No Touching) and I pop back over to sit with him.  They were hands down the best play of the evening,  I couldn’t believe it, Louisville Third Ward was actually going to lose this year! (Mostly because there play was disturbing on SOOO many levels…*wags head in shame for L3W’s play*)  A few moments later Kinsey comes flying into the cultural hall (gym) and up the isle to me whispering, “Mom! Mom! Sydney threw up!”

Up out of the seat I dash!  I run out of the gym through the lobby and down the hall.  Turn the corner and run to the bathroom whose door I can see is propped open.  So I run full speed into the bathroom only to take one step inside the door and hear the words…(as if in slow motion) “NO!!!!” 

Alas it was too late.  I slide through the vomit like a snow plow through slush.  (nice visual huh!)  All over my shoes!  Lovely. Poor Sydney was standing there sweat soaked propping the door open because if it closed it would dragged the mess to the awaiting carpeted hallway.  I’ve got to hand it to her, at least she made it to the tile. 

I cleaned Syd up then cleaned up the vomit (with a huge amount of help from another really great Sister in the ward).  I ask her if she is feeling bad and she replies, “Not anymore.” And then Sydney says, “I threw up on the stage too!”

A stage where at that very moment another ward was setting up to perform. 

So Sister Lowe heads off to the stage on a vomit seek and find, while I disinfect the bathroom.  It was indeed a night to remember. 

At the end of the evening we all awaited the judges results while Sydney lay snuggled up on the Stake Presidents couch complaining that she was feeling much better now and didn’t see why she had to stay out in the hall.  After a 5 minute intermission the results were in.  And what were those results?  Where they the long awaited de-throning of L3W?  No, No I say!  They were not!  because you see the Stake decided that not only were they going to do the Road Show in a Day, but they were going to give everyone a PRIZE!  No Best in Show!  No Winner!  No vindications for the years of L3W’s competition fixing! 

Its a SHAM!  A SHAM I say!

We all piled back into the cars, Todd headed off to a bar (yes a bar) to watch some “Ultimate Fighting Championship” with other Mormon guys who only order root bear and other sodas.  And the girls and I headed home.  Sydney started feeling bad on the way home again, so it was right to bed with her as soon as we walked in the door.  I headed off to bed early too, because if she threw up twice in the span of moments chances were there was more coming which meant it was going to be a long night.

Todd got home around midnight after stopping off at the store to grab Sydney some ginger ale.  I was already asleep by that time, though I heard him come in.  At 1pm Todd called for me saying that he wasn’t feeling well.  I think you can see where this goes from here.  Were as Sydney slept the entire night and didn’t throw up again, Todd through up every 30 minutes until 7am.  At 7am I headed off to the nearest 24 hour pharmacy (a 20 minute drive one way) to get the meds his doctor so graciously called in for him this morning.  He gratefully hasn’t thrown up again since the medicine, but instead has slept all day.  Sydney is sleeping now too.

Me?  I am still haven’t slept yet, perhaps tonight I will get my chance.

Thus far the rest of us are virus free [knock on wood].  And I for one am hoping it stays that way.